The Wacky World of Ebay

Ebay is a strange thing. In the right hands, it can be an effective tool for exchanging merchandise according to the basic laws of supply and demand. In the wrong hands, it can be a masterful guise for fraud and deception.

And in the hands of people with a bit of imagination and spare time, it provides some oddly intriguing offers:

• Koopa, an artist living in Connecticut who just happens to be a turtle, is selling his original artwork (see above). Koopa's paintings hang in all 50 U.S. states, as well as Canada, Bahrain, The Netherlands, The United Kingdom, Australia, and Italy, and he has been featured in Ripley’s Believe it or Not.

• An ebay member known as little_ska_band is selling memories of his childhood, which he describes as “amazing.” For a minimum bid of $350, you can have this young man’s go-cart, car bed, play kitchen, bike and other toys. However the real treasure, he says, is his ‘book of memories’ containing recollections of birthdays, friends, family and embarrassing mishaps. (In true ebay style, the seller adds this disclaimer: “Only one book will ever be made and all memories will be authentic.”)

• In a similar vein, you can buy ‘everything that Lisa Perry owns’ - from mid-century modern chairs to 8-track tapes and Talbot dresses - in one lot (buy-it-now price $2,000). The auction is, Perry says, part of an effort to “rid myself of possessions which have kept me looking backward.” There are currently 9 bids.

• If you’d rather make your own history than buy someone else’s, you may want to consider buying a Scottish ‘sporting estate’ that, for $49.95, comes with the right to call yourself ‘Laird’ or ‘Lady’. If you have gullible friends, it’s a great way to impress them. What you really get is a certificate entitling you to a 12-inch-square piece of the highlands. Archaic Scottish law being what it is, this is enough for you to be a master of a landed estate - so there you go!

• Lastly, the opportunity to exact sophomoric revenge. For $5.00 (plus shipping and handling) millard_699 will mail your foe a diaper smeared with melted chocolate to simulate human feces. Now you may be thinking you could just do it yourself but our plucky seller is already two steps ahead of you: “Sure you could do it yourself and maybe get away with it... Drive to the store, buy a whole pack of diapers, put chocolate or peanut butter in it, purchase a box, insert your own note and ship it yourself, sure you could probably do all this yourself........ BUT WHY!! Why go through all that!! We'll do it for you cheaper than you can do it yourself and we'll save you the time and the trouble!!” Hey, you can’t argue with that logic.

The Secret to Satisfaction

My friends... I believe I have unwittingly stumbled upon the key to being happy. The catch is, it involves moving to South Korea, becoming a gangster and of course ... not getting caught.

It seems that of 109 jailed South Korean gangsters questioned, nearly 80 percent said they were either somewhat or very satisfied with their life of crime. This compares to about 65 percent of police who enjoyed what they did, according to another survey. The results, no doubt, have much to do with the fact that gangsters in Seoul take home about 4 million won a month, roughly $4,255 US, through extortion, prostitution and gambling.

I love the fact that South Korean researchers took the time to ask the convicts whether they liked their work. I tend to think, however, that few of us, when jailed, would not look back wistfully on our life of work - not matter how droll it might have been. I think the Age-o-Matic is a much more realistic and intuitive measure of the affect our jobs have on us. Try it and see!

Holy Sh... Shanghai!

When New York City banned smoking in restaurants and bars many residents groaned and grumbled; but in the end I think we can all agree it was a good thing. Likewise when London banned cars from the city center I’m sure tons of people were inconvenienced. But now dozens of other metropolises are introducing similar measures. Singapore banned chewing gum in public places. Moscow banned gay pride parades. Kuwait banned men from working in lingerie shops.

But a ban on swearing? Now that’s just too much!

Not for Shanghai... The city is now considering a law that makes using swear words in public an illegal offense. Dirty words, according to city officials, often lead to physical fights, which could turn lethal. The law would also extend to spitting, littering, jaywalking and uncivilized behaviour on the part of dog owners. Fines are yet to be determined and may work on a sliding scale according to the income of the offender.

From what I understand, swearing has a long and venerable history in China. Swears are inventive and expressive - from “dog fart” to “turtle’s egg” to “wear a green hat”. ‘Ta ma de’ is a Chinese expression that involves performing degrading acts upon one’s mother. The phrase is apparently so popular and widespread, that renowned Chinese writer Lu Xun once jokingly claimed it should be declared the ‘national swear word’ of China. Next time you’re in an online chat, if anyone types TMD at you - be offended... be very offended!

The move, according to the Guardian newspaper, is all part of the city’s campaign to clean up its image ahead of the 2010 World Expo. The paper reports that “teams of students are being sent out to smile at strangers in public places to spread politeness among the traditionally frosty populace. Last week, the government announced it would equip 45,000 taxis with spit-sacks to curb drivers' habits of winding down their windows and hawking into the road.”

Time Indefinable

I’ve been musing today about time. How there never seems to be enough of it. How it seems to move so quickly these days. How it’s already 11:30 in the morning, it’s already Thursday and it’s already the end of January. How it seems nearly impossible that 20 years have gone by since I was in high school.

Time is particularly obscured for me since I began my new job this month. These days, Thursday is Sunday and 6pm is ‘first thing in the morning’. It’s both liberating and befuddling to be on a different schedule than the rest of the world. Waking up in the morning and not having to rush through the streets with everyone else feels deliciously naughty. Going to work when everyone else is heading home is a bit deflating.

Anoher thing I have noticed about my new job is that no matter how early I seem to arrive - everyone I work with is ALREADY THERE! What time do they get there that I’m always the last to arrive? Are they on a different schedule? And for the past few nights, I’ve been the first to leave also, guiltily saying goodbye why they all tap away at their keyboards. Maybe, I think to myself, they just have more to do since I’m new. Or maybe work is a higher priority for them. That’s not to say that I don’t take work seriously... I appreciate my job and want to do it well, but I also want to have a life, to get to bed, to possibly see my husband before he hits heavy REMs.

In Iran, when I had little else to do and a cold and empty apartment waiting for me, I used to work all the time. There was always something to do in the office and the empty apartment only reminded me of being alone. So in I went at 9am and at 8pm I was often still there. My Iranian colleagues, who had homes to look after, family members to take care of, children to cook for, likely wondered the same about me that I wonder about my current colleagues.

Which just goes to show that life is a question of perspective.